Every year, Mother's Day approaches, and with it comes a mixed bag of emotions for people grieving the loss of their mother. Whether your mother has passed away or you are estranged, the day often dredges up painful memories and feelings. If you're struggling to cope with your grief this Mother's Day, don't worry - you're not alone. Although you may not hear other people share their experiences on this day, know that many people can empathize and are suffering too. Remember that grief is a natural response to loss, and there is no single correct way to work through it. Some people find comfort in talking about their mother and sharing memories with others, while others prefer to keep their thoughts private. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Mother’s Day Grief Described
Mother's Day grief describes the intense sadness and longing experienced when a person's mother dies or is no longer a part of their life. This type of grief can be tough to work through, whether the relationship was good, bad, or complicated. The loss of a mother figure is often one of the most significant losses a person will experience.
Usually, when we think of people who grieve on Mother's Day, we consider those who have recently lost their mothers, but anyone can be affected by the day at any stage of grief. But it is not just limited to loss due to death; many people who are estranged from their mothers or have had complex relationships with them can also find the day to be a trigger for grief.
A category of people that are usually not considered are those now caring for mother figures who have become disabled or are currently experiencing a loss or decline in memory due to mental health, such as dementia or Alzheimer's.
Who Experiences Mother’s Day Grief
Many categories of people experience grief on Mother's Day, but another category is the mother who has lost a child. This loss includes the mother who has lost a child to death and to/through systems. These systems can consist of child protective services, juvenile programs, and prison systems. Even if that history includes negligence, you have the right to grieve. Regardless of where one falls on this list, grief is a complicated emotion, and Mother's Day can be difficult for anyone struggling with the loss.
What mother’s day grief may look like
We can't begin to talk about grief without discussing the five stages of grief and how they can affect one on Mother's Day. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grief is not a linear process, and people often experience these stages in different orders or may move back and forth between them. Grief is also unique, so some people may experience all stages, while others may only experience a few after the initial process.
Some people wake up on Mother's Day still in denial that they can no longer touch, feel, or even hear their mother's voice, no matter how long it has been since the last contact. Anger can arise when one realizes all that they are missing or have missed by not having their mother still in their life. Others may find moments of thinking or even saying aloud, "I would give anything to have my mother back" or "I would give anything to have one more day, hour, minute, or even second"(bargaining). Depression is a distinct stage of grief that may look like sadness, tears, or feeling numb. It can be hard on this day to see all the happy families and mothers celebrating when yours is no longer with you. Finally, there is acceptance. Acceptance is the state of accepting the loss and all the reality that comes with it. For some, it is not easy to get to this point, nor is it easy to maintain.
Honoring Your Emotions
To begin to heal, one must take the time to understand their emotions and what they require at that moment. First, ask yourself what you are feeling. Be as specific as possible. Are you feeling sad, mad, scared, angry, or guilty? Now that you know what you're feeling, ask yourself, why are you feeling this now? Is it because you see all the mothers celebrating or remember a happy or sad memory? Once you have asked yourself these questions, begin to brainstorm things that may help soothe your emotions.
Soothing your emotions is not about suppressing or distracting you from the feelings, but this may be leaning into the emotion to connect, emote, and express what you are feeling. It is okay to take a moment to cry, pull out old photos, journal, take the day to rest, or connect with a loved one who can comfortably support you now.
Another way to understand and connect with your emotions is not further to trigger or complicate what you are feeling. That may mean that you take the day off to disconnect from social media, public and private settings, people, and even church services. Some people may disagree, and that is okay.
Some may disagree due to toxic positivity—the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. Toxic positivity is a form of emotional labor that asks people to ignore their true feelings and repress them. That suggestion can further complicate grief, especially on Mother's Day. Pushing yourself to participate in activities that do not honor what you feel or need to feel adds to the day's emotional difficulty, stress, and exhaustion. It is difficult to find places on Mother's Day that do not promote this toxic positive state and may refuse to acknowledge those who suffer on this day.
So, as you make plans and make moves throughout this Mother's Day, know that it is okay to feel all the feels. Remember, grief looks different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Permit yourself to do what you need to take care of yourself and your emotions.
We rarely discuss Mother's Day grief, but it is a real experience for many. Hopefully, this post has helped shed some light on the topic and start conversations concerning it.
Let me know in the comments below if this topic is new to you or a common concern in your community.
Please share this with someone you love who may be experiencing Mother's Day grief.
